remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
