she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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