After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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