Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
