Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
