I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
