Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
