I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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