I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize