There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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