what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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