i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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