well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need a beard to bite.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
