Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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