I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
