Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
