I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
