guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
