im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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