At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
