the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
jump out the window naked night went bad
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