Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
