Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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