Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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