I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
