Just fell off a train. Bad.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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