The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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