The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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