No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We are all done wearing pants today
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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