trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
