youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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