That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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