Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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