So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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