My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
