omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
