Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
