hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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