I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
