oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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