i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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