it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we're making bets on your personal life
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
