you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
