Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
