Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
