I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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