you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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