where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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