I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
