I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
im holly from the hills drunk
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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