Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
