1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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