2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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