if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
