i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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