I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
