I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
