Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize