real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
