I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
