He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
