I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
